Ack!

To quote Bill the Cat: "Ack! "Thbbbt!"

Here, ladies and gentlemen and gender-fluid/non-gender-specific people*, is a brief outline of my day so far.

7am: Got up
Pissed.
Showered.
Walked to milk bar.
Came home.
Breakfasted and glanced at The Age - didn't take in that it was September 11 until much later in the day.
Partook of panadol and Berocca.
7.25am: Started drinking 600ml bottle of Coke.
7.30pm: Wrote 'Art of the City' column for Beat, trying to balance wit, bitchiness, and wry observational humour with a sense of curiousity about the arts and the public's need to know. Left out reference to XXXXX in the toilets at YYYYYY doing A) fat lines of coke and B) ZZZZ's even fatter cock.**
9.34: Leave for the MCV office.
9.45am: Wondered why people were staring at me on the tram: worried I had cum stains on my jeans or had fly undone; realised it was because I was wearing my 'Nazi punks fuck off t-shirt." Must remember not to catch tram full of private school girls next time; their giggling was really fucking irritating.
10.03am onwards: Wrote several news articles, blogged, surfed the net, chatted with co-workers, rang Victoria Police Gay and Lesbian Liasion office, etc. Not as productive a day as it could have been due to lousy night's sleep. Consumed another 2x 600ml of Coke during the day, as well as a packet of salt and vingear chips, and a chilli Chicken Don from the Japanese take-away up the road. Worry about too much sugar in diet then decide than compared to amphetamine and alchohol intake it's fuck-all. Then worry about liver and nasal passages. Consider developing a heroin addiction instead.
5.12pm: Left work.
5.35pm: Got home, opened stubbie of Mercury dry cider, started downloading e-mails, remembered I had to be in Northcote at 6pm, swore, skulled, left home.
6.01om: Arrived at Wesley Anne in Northcote to meet with Sarah Ford-Haimann, the producer of the Fringe show who I'm mentoring. Drank another stubbie, discussed show and ways I could hopefully contribute.
7.07pm: Waited for tram. Got impatient. Walked several stops, pas strange bald man dancing wildly at tram stop several stops down.
7.38pm: Got home after tram trip via bottle shop to buy wine, and video store to return overdue DVD. Swore quietly to myself on leaving DVD shop because I now owe $10 in fines and quite frankly, the movie wasn't worth it.
7.39pm: Opened bottle of white wine.
7.40pm: Started reading through 173 unread e-mails dating back to Thursday, most of them media releases and/or interview requests.
8.35pm: Gave up, drank more wine, put on dinner - fettucine and a simple tomato, onion and garlic sauce.
9.04pm: Considered doing dishes, had another glass of wine instead.
9.05pm: Started blogging.
9.19pm: Considered either A) reading through more e-mails, or B) sitting down to start reading huge folder of Arts Victoria grant applications. Considered resigning from Arts Victoria advisory panel.
9.20pm: Laugh bitterly, decide to drink more wine, sit on couch, start listening to pile of review CD's amassing on coffee table, and read on the 11 books I've been sent review copies of.
9.21: Start searching for decent 'Bill the Cat' image online.
9.26pm: Think about renouncing life of material pleasure, debauchery and hunky 'straight' boys who want to try cock for the first time, for a blameless life of aesthetic minimalism and sobriety. Laugh wildly. Hit 'Publish Post' button.




* Not including Barry Humphries, who's turned into exactly the sort of social conservative he used to mock.

**Actually this never happened, I was just teasing you.